Last updated: January 7, 2006

Light Verse: Puns and other Attrocities:

This section contains puns and other gag-making word gags that don't qualify as poems. They are the harmful side effects of poetry - that is, ideas that occur to me as I tinker. What are they doing on a poetry site? They amuse me often and may amuse some of you. Please not that this section is not completed (far from it) nor formated -- still in progress. But there's a lot here to look at.

Con-grate-ululations: When you hate to admit the jerk has done well and cover up your resentment by cooing loudly.

Professor Moriarty: Creme de la Crime.

Slash it down to size: Don't summarize, Samurize!

Impeachment? Just sighing on the dotard lying.

Crapacity: A limit revealed after overeating.

Gastation: An apparency of pregnancy created by over-indulgence in gassy foods. Or giving birth in a gas station.

Noelation: Feeling depressed and feigning joy on Christmas day.

Plightness: When, like a diplomat, you are forced at all times to be courteous.

Poetry readings are good drills -- always boring.

CIA Anthem: "Yale, Yale, The Gang's All Here."

"He had full-blown AIDS..." -- yes, I understand
you can get it that way.

She ran the kitchen, overseared all the steaks.

Corpulation: Fat people making love.
Quopulation: VERY fat people making love.
Compulation: The Kama Sutra.
Koppelation: Making love with a man who wears a bad hairpiece.
Copululation: 1. Noisy sex. 2. A policeman demanding "WHO! WHO done it?"
Copulotion: KY Jelly.
GOPulation: What the Republicans are trying to do to Clinton.
Cropulation: The sowing of seeds.
Copollution: The spreading of veneral diseases.
Co-opulation: A well-organized orgy.
Clopulation: Doing it in the stables.
Copitulation: Surrendering to passion.
Carpulation : A back-seat activity.
Carpoolation: A swinging carpool stuck in traffic.
Coputilation: Sadistic sex.
Copulatiorn: Sex after shaving.
Cupulation: Alcohol-induced sex.
Cobulation: Doing something very odd with a corn cob.
Copelation: The joy copping a feel.
Copylation: Doing it with identical twins.

Fantastrick: A talented whore.

What do you serve at a gala? Galatea.

How do jazz musicians choose a key? They jump off a clef.

Women to men: You prayed for something to touch;
God sensuous.

Appellation: The name of a mountain range.
Mountain: The act of a rider staying on a bucking horse.
Bucking: Head of the Federal Reserve.
Federal: The quality whose possession leads birds to flock togeder, as in Birds of a feder'll flock togeder.
Possession: The time an artist spends with a model.
Model: A modem that deletes the data it transmits.
Delete: Fill a minimalist with joy.
Minimalist: One who shops at a mini-mall.
Mini-mall: A gangster's petite girlfriend.
Petite: A girl's favorite breast.
Girl: Translation from the Italian word for partisan warfare, or "girla warefare-a."

Favorite: The ritual sacrifice of a hairlipped peacock.
[pavo-rite].

Superbowl: A fine specimen of a nocturnal bird of prey.
Specimen: A Yiddish Astronaut.

Sagging finances? Try plastic surgery: Cut up
your credit cards.

Hideousyncrasy: A grotesque and peculiar trait.

Dough Pseudo: A square-dance step involving counterfeit money.

Hate blinds us: Abhorences are deceiving.

Vietnam: To '60's America, a major Hanoi-ance.

Bond to his boss: "Cherish a laugh, M." [cherché la femme]

Kfetching: Moaning that attracts sympathy.

Epochrisy: Justifying your vices as modern.

Ala Modious: Pertaining to a hateful (odious) fashion.

GRRattitude: Having to thank someone for a gift one hates.

Grantipathy: A refusal to apply for a grant. Also, a common emotion in the Confederacy.

Shantipathy: A refusal to take "no" for an answer.

Our masks become us. What could we be: Disguise delimit.

"Everywhere may be found traces of Roman influence":
Kilroy Ben Hur.

Layered casserole, perfectly spiced -- strata, various.

Coruscate: Stage instruction from the opera Hans Brinker

Matador: An Italian doormat.
Doormat: A wimp who is sleeping.

Bureaucrat: A Stand-offishial.

People who talk on their cell-phones while driving and in theaters are cell-phone-dulgent.

Result of too much snacking: Noshea.

How cautious is she? Her allergies make her break out in a prudent.

How is it that "sequitur" means "following" when a sect quitter is one who refuses to follow?

Grammar: An old lady.
Syntax: A form of taxation favored by Grammar.
Parsing: What Grammar prevents by driving in the left lane at exactly 10 miles per hour under the speed limit.

How do elephants get rid of fools? They have them conducted away. Who conducts them? Tusk-a-ninny.

The kiss-crazy midget in the nudist camp was arrested for snatch- pursing.

Either/Or, in England published as Either/Our.

The song of the impatient photographer: Someday My Prints Will Come.

Marilyn Monroe -- who could resist her blondishments?

"Start from scratch" -- an odd phrase. Usually one starts from itch.

"Mr. President, Havana?" "No, had Monica."

Nome, Alaska -- cold! A good place for headaches.
Nome: Anacin Island. [No man is an island]

Orchastrate: To arrange a symphony for midget trombonists facing very tall flautists.

Larry begs his fellow stooge to lay off with the power mower: "Moe! Mow no mo'!"

One should never include a dinner among "upcoming" events.

When my crows bet, my crows oft win dough.

She forgot to take her pill and suffered a foetal accident.

Q. How did James Steward control his vertigo?
A. He took Kim Novacain.
Q. How did she feel about being used?
A. She told him vertigo.

On TV Jeannie was a witch. When she turned herself into an owl,
her square husband thought it was the result of heredity and exclaimed, "Jeannie? Owl? O Gee!"

When the wall collapsed on the comedian, he moaned, "The lath's on me."

Neapotism: Employment of close family tides.
Depotism: Employing family members in positions
above their stations.
Kneepotism: Hiring relatives reflexively.
Kepotism: Hiring only orthodox Jewish relatives.

Sleeping bag: A nap sack.

The High Priest ritually flays and embalms
the prisoner in Formal Dehiding.

"Ramada Inn" -- reminds me of an old TV series: Ramada Jungle.

Big Mama, or I Love Loosely.

CBS -- and one certainly does.

Jane Fonda: Pro-fit prophet for profit.

How to impeach Nixon: Wreak order with a recorder.

"Chester, how do I greet the King?"
"Dip low, Matt."

Anonomalous: Strangely nameless.

Haicaramba!

Praise for haikus: haikudos.
Insect-themed haiku: Haikucarracha.
Beat-Zen-inspired haiku: haicool.
Wedding haiku: Hitch-haiku.
Eccentric haikuists: Haikooks.
Romantic haiku: Haicooing.
Horny haiku: Haikooh-lala!
Haiku infestation: Haicooties.
Grateful haiku: Haiku-very-much
Haiku for greeting religious leaders: Haikhoumeni
Sharply insightful haiku: Haikumen
Collected haiku: Haikumulation
Religiously tolerant haikus: Haikumenical
Ability to understand haiku: HaiQ
Too-clever haiku: Haicute.

Christmas in the Sahara -- no well, no well.

Ghosts howling -- sheet music.

Honesty is the best police.

My talent is multi-faceted; that is, facetious.

TV, radio, the papers -- full of bad news. Where is there a happy medium?

Indo-China, rice paddies on the sides of
multi-terrorist hills...

Skating: An in-figure-eighting motion.

She liked oral sex because she was afraid
she'd lose her head if it weren't
screwed on.

Since you left me, the sight of you brings
TRs to my eyes.

O...O...OOOH! HO! HO! HO!
(Santa Claus is coming.)

"Just needs a bit of tweaking" said the repairman,
but it took 14 days -- needed two-weeking?

Killing oneself with an axe: Chop-Suicide.

Hitler: Conman, the Bavarian.
Charles Manson: Conan, the Aquarian.
Portnoy: Onan, the Barbarian.

What would you call a merger of Microsoft, IBM
and AT&T? Microsoft.

When is a president gay? When he does it with
a popular man-date.

Forbiddenness: Why a Texan opens an office.

Porno fiction: Peekabooks.

Fear of Spanish Snakes: Hiss Panic.

Tantric Yoga -- contortions with a tan trick.

"Metrocar?" [Me trocar?]
"No, you scalpel."

Psych-lops: A one-eyed shrink conducting
a double-blind lobotomy study.

Cyclops: Sound of motorcycle with flat tire.

Psychlops: Slices removed from the frontal lobe
during psycho-surgery.

New York City blue-nose nostalgia: I Remember
MOMA.

Psyche -- key to sighs.

Henhouse: Layer's lair.

If marriage is a prison, a bachelor must be
cellbait. [cellibate]

Unable to lose weight, I'm tempted to gorge,
but that would have repercussions -- GRIM reper-
cussions.

He's an open micro-phony.

The Big Bang -- Atom and Eve.

They got along well until he came between her.

"Open...CARAWAY!"
Nothing.
"Open...POPPYSEED!"
Nothing.
"Uh...open...uh...SESAME?..."
Hey, you're on a roll!

Dominatrix: A tall strapping woman.

Egomania: Overt I'm.

Relax -- our statemen are working out
our slavation.

Q. Why are we sending Marge Simpson to Serbia?
A. The Smart Bomb having failed us, we will try
the Bart's Mom.
Q. What can a Bart's Mom do to them?
A. MARGinalize them!

The shrinks want to start drugging kids
at age two. Can we look forward to a Kinder-
gentler Garten?

Guru: A trance parent.

Critics' advice to callow artists to stay
vulnerable: Don't callus; we'll cull you.

TV shows from the 50's revisted:
Pubescence: OOZIE & HAIRY YET?
School Violence: UZI & HARRIET
New Afros: OZZIE & HAIR RIOT
The Wizard escapes in a balloon: OZ -- HE IN AIR YET?
The milkmaid & her favorite cow: HUSSY & DAIRY PET
Hangover: WOOZY & WARY YET
Lynching: POSSE & LARRIAT

Who best, Issa or Buson? Issa
far far better...

"Analysis paralysis" or, Anal Peril.

Austin springtime -- bluebonnet plague.

What did Dr. Atkins do to the fat virgin?
He defloured her.
_______________________________

Sex: A mom and POP! business.
______________________________

"Ruby lips above the water
Blowing bubbles soft and fine..." –
that's called "lips sinking".
___________________________

Kvetchitable: Fat Jewish lady who lies on the couch,
noshing and complaining.
_______________________________

After the Apple Comes the Fig Leaf

It all began when Isaac Newton
lay on his back, naked, under a fig tree,
pondering the nature of the world,
when a fig leaf dropped down and landed
over his genitalia. Isaac cried out
EUREKA! as, suddenly he grasped
the laws of gravity and depravity.
He was ever after known to his colleagues
as "Fig Newton."
______________________________

Once again I achieve your groans,
as my har-pun strikes a wail.
____________________________

Hackademic poetry
Hackendemic poetry
Hackanemic poetry.
_______________________

Impolite younger son of Eric the Red: Rude
Ulf the Red. When Ulf had a cold, Eric told his wife
to warm up the room. "Do what you can" he said,
"to help Rude Ulf The Red's nose drain, Dear."
______________________________________

So many comedians "do" Bush now. It's a matter
of Samurai honor: "It's Bush I do!" [Bushido]
___________________________________________

You are my moonshine, my only moonshine.
You make me happy when I am dry.
You'll never know, dear, how much I need you.
Please don't take my moonshine away.
____________________________________

Expertise: tickling the male organ to cause ejaculation (egg-spurt- tease).
____________________________________

To forgive is the best vengeance.
_________________________________

Office Christmas Party: drunken
Phallicitations of the Season.
__________________________

Christmas, season of joy and
falalalarity.
_______________________

A lover is like an appreciative audience:
He seems to care for her,
but afterwards she's left with
the clap.
_______________

She stalked George Hamilton,
wanting to get off
on a tan gent.
________________________________

Viruses make attachments dangerous,
so I'll keep playing the field.

Phonetics

"Knives"
should be pronounced
"connives" –
and often is.
__________

Falling through society's safety net –
the refuse of sievilization.
_____________________________

A book full of stories – how elevating!
__________________________________

"O let us pray together, PLEASE let us pray together!" he ejaculated co-piously.
__________________________________

Ebony: Internet site where paleontologists exchange African fossils.

Victoria Vegina: Queen famous for her controversial monologues.

Vegina: Prefers cucumbers to men (cigars will do in a pinch).

Vegina: Where our vegetable love will grow vaster than empires, but more slow.

Termoyl: Consternation at a briss when the blade slips.

Digarettes: Female gravediggers who also provide coffin nails.

Cigarentes: Dividends from Caporal stock.

Davidends: Return on investment in the Letterman show.

The exorcized demon returns to Hell,
where he is exorsizzled.
________________________________

Vividends: Investors Setting themselves on fire after a stock market crash.

Meducation: What the students receive in American schools.

Tutrage: Genteel anger.
Outcageous: Describes behavior like that of an escaped zoo animal.
Musculinity: The condition of a buff male.
Maculinity: The condition of a teen-aged male with acne.
Maskulinity: The condition of a female impersonator with hairy legs.

Anne Hathaway's Question

To whom
Will
Will
Will
the best bed?
_____________________

How do you console someone betrayed
by come-hither looks?
Comehitherate.
___________________________

Freak

There is odd Meth
in his madness.
_________________________

To get nothing done, appoint
an ad hoc omission.
___________________________

Chinatown shops, full of
fat happy Buddhahas
__________________

She's too tired again. This nocturnal
omission whets my dreams.
_________________________

Whalebone shortage precipitates crises at the Bush Corset Company: "Sir, we are out of whalebone. We can no longer make stays."
"Use recycled whalebone! Boil down old buttons and piano keys! Use starched hemp! Whatever it takes, we WILL stay the corsets!"
______________________________________

Abbreciation: The cutting short of an expression of gratitude because one suffers from a head cold.

Memaphor: Signaling device used to shunt trains of thought.

Inkubus: Demon who, when you sleep, gives you silly ideas and persuades you that they are great ideas and that you must wake up immediately and jot them down.

Conlamination: Thin layers of pollution.

Democrazy: A political system where only those classified as insane are allowed to vote. All democracies gradually become democrazies as the psychiatrists develop enough new mental illnesses to fit everyone.

Demonracy: Rule by incubi, succubi and other sexy demons.

Cavilization: The idea that we achieve high culture by quibbling over fine points of dress and behavior.

Civilibation: Social drinking.

Contrabond: Secret weapon designed to take out 007.

Congradulations: Well done on finishing school.

Ivagination: The day-dreaming of an adolescent male.

Conpromise: A politician's promise.

Despicable: De cable stations dat broadcast in Spanish.

Paranoid Schizophrenic: Since the Schizophrenic has a split personality, when he/she is annoyed the result is a pair annoyed.

Proclastinate: Delay doing homework.
________________________________

Prochastinate: Protect one's virginity by insisting it's never the right time.
________________________________

Love transcends sex, being preter-peter.
________________________________

As they make love, she imagines she hears
the peter-patter of little foetuses.
__________________________________

With evolution we've lost the ability
to lose weight: Survival
of the fat-assed.
_______________________________

fullopian: Tubal pregnancy.
_____________________________

Star shoots stalking fan, convicted
of fanslaughter.
_____________________________

hiposuction – for extreme obesity.

Salivation: When you are cleansed of all your sins and find that what's left of you isn't worth spit.